It took us a lot longer to get pregnant than we ever dreamed it would. It was definitely a huge test of our faith for us. If you are struggling with this, please email me. I would love to pray for you! I wrote this post a while back about what we were learning.
I don’t know why a year is the magic number. But I had always thought that I would consider writing something after a year was up. Maybe it’s because after a year has passed you need to see a doctor. Or because every time I have tried to write this post I dissolve into tears.
You don’t know how many times I have prayed, “Lord, I don’t want to write about this. Please don’t let me go through this. I don’t want to write about this.” I told the Lord I wouldn’t write about this. It is too raw and too painful. But a couple of Sundays ago as I was weeping in the bathroom at church, I heard someone else in there weeping too. And I knew that there are other people struggling. And it made me want to be a bit more open about our struggles.
We want to be parents. But in the past ten months (I actually wrote this post almost five months ago. So its been about 15 months now) of trying to have a child the Lord has not decided to give us one. We never expected to have a hard time getting pregnant. It’s been a punch in the face to our faith. It’s knocked me down and made me question can I get up again and trust the Lord?
Because that is what it comes down to. Am I willing to trust the Lord?
Am I willing to trust Him even if we never have a child? Am I willing to trust that He is working in our life?
I have never seen the effects of sin more clearly. Bodies effected by sin that don’t work the way God intended. Abortion. Teen pregnancies. Each one a slap in the face; a sharp reminder that we live in a fallen world. Each one a reminder asking do I trust God? Do I trust that He is good?
I bawl every time I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Every time. First babies, second babies, sixth babies. Each one a reminder, do I trust God? Do I trust that He is just?
I die a little bit every time someone tells me, “Oh you have only been married a year and a half! You shouldn’t think about kids!” Do I trust that God is sovereign?
When we finally stopped making plans that included the phrase, “Well, if we get pregnant…”, I asked myself do I trust that God is bigger than our plans?
I don’t feel qualified to write this post. We don’t medically fall into the category of infertile yet, so I have hesitated to write this post. I also have hesitated to write it because I know that there are those of you who have struggled for years with infertility and have had to deal with things that we have hardly scratched the surface of. I am thankful for your examples of faith. Your examples encourage us to trust the Lord.
We are learning to trust the Lord in ways that we have never had to before. We are thankful that we are forced to decide, “Will we trust the Lord?” Yes, we will. Even when it is hard and we cry together, we will choose to say, “Lord, blessed be your name.”